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Ten Things To Do If You’re In Hannah
Tuesday, January 29th, 2013
  1. Eat at the Sweet Shop Café and Grill, home of slap-‘yo-Mama-good vittles made fresh from scratch every day. Del Williams makes the best barbeque in Behr County, and as for his fried chicken—mmmwah! It’s a religious experience. His lovely wife, Miz Vi, concocts a chocolate pie that will melt in your mouth, piled high with homemade meringue, the fluffy, white peaks lightly toasted under the broiler to sugary perfection. Better check to see if there’s a demon hunter among the diners. Demon hunters can’t handle their chocolate. Get a Dalvahni demon hunter drunk on chocolate and look out!
  2. Visit the Kut ʾN Kurl and get your hair ‘did. ’ Jeannine carries a full line of Fiona Fix-it products that work magic on your hair. No, really. Magic. These products are fae-tastic.
  3. Stop by Flowers by Adara and say hey to Addy, the owner. Pay no attention to the tall, dark and handsome hunk of a demon hunter glowering in the corner. That’s just Brand. I’m not kidding. Pay no attention to him. Brand is Addy’s husband, and she’s the tee-nin-siest bit jealous. Put the move on Brand, and Addy will open up a can of Behr County whoopass on you.
  4. Swing by Corwin’s Serenity Chapel and check out the action. Find out the latest gossip while mumbling politely over the dearly departed. Funerals are BYOSC: bring your own solo cup. There’s always someone in the back parking lot with a cooler of beer and a bucket of fried chicken or a ham sammich to share. The funeral parlor is a good place to find out the latest goings-on. Did you hear about Shirley Farris? That old philandering husband of hers died and she removed his mister to keep him from messing around on her in the afterlife.
  5. On your way out of Corwin’s, stop by the office and make Miss Bitsy an offer. No, not that kind of offer. Offer to buy the place. Corwin’s has been up for sale ever since Shep, Bitsy’s son and Hannah’s sole undertaker, hooked up with an emotion sucking, intergalactic hoochie mama named Lenora. Bitsy blames Lenora for Shep’s decision to give up undertaking to follow his muse. Bitsy does not approve of Lenora or the muse. Lenora wears a string dress and does the hoochie coochie at the drop of a hat. Ladies do not wear strings dresses and they most certainly do not do the hoochie coochie. Ever. (See Rule 12 of the Bitsy Handbook on Southern Lady-tude). As for the muse, Bitsy is certain it’s just a phase Shep’s going through.
  6. Run the dunes out at the abandoned quarry in your pickup truck. But don’t stay after dark. That’s when the Sand People come out.
  7. Need to locate someone or something? Visit the Hannah art gallery and say hello to Mr.Collier. Mr.Collier can find anything with his contrabulator, especially demons. He made the device himself out of a couple of coat hangers. Interested in cigarette art? Mullet Woman has an Elvis she’ll gladly sell you. Or maybe you’re interested in a tasteful nude. Shep Corwin has dozens of nekked pictures of his succubus girlfriend on display. But don’t tell Bitsy. Ladies don’t pose nekked. (See Rule 23 of the handbook).
  8. Have a drink at Beck’s, a demonoid dive bar outside of town with a scenic view of the Devil River. Don’t bother going if you’re not a super. No norms allowed at Beck’s. You’d never find the place anyway. It’s equipped with a repel spell to keep out unwanteds, and a bouncer with a nose like a bloodhound. Toby Littleton can smell a norm a mile away. If you do make it inside, enjoy the music of Beelzebubba, the rockabilly band. But watch out for the Skinners. Look up the definition of ‘white trash’ in the dictionary, and you’ll find a picture of a Skinner. They’re shifters and mean drunks.
  9. Slip inside the sanctuary of Trinity Episcopal Church and enjoy the beautiful, unearthly music provided by the church organist, Junior Peterson. Junior is a ghost. He was forced to relocate when his family home burned to the ground. He’s looking for a new home. Interested? Make sure you have a grand piano, and that it’s properly tuned. Junior has a degree from Vanderbilt in music and very exacting standards.
  10. Drive out to Sardine Bridge at midnight and holler Ha-a-zel, three times and a watery ghost will rise from the creek. But don’t cuss. Hazel can’t abide foul language. Cuss and she’ll give you an ectoplasmic colon cleanse.

There’s plenty more to do in Hannah, so y’all come.

If Brand Dalvahni, alpha male demon hunter, kept a diary . . .
Monday, October 3rd, 2011

Day One Mission Earth:

Dear Diary,

Today I saved a human female from certain death at the hands of a demon.

I am disquieted by my actions. I am Dalvahni, an immortal demon hunter. ’Tis our sole purpose to hunt down and return rogue demons to The Pit, thus saving the universe and those weaker than ourselves from degradation and destruction at the hands of the djegrali.

Saving the human female from the demon was a violation of the Dalvahni Creed. I saved her nonetheless—I could not seem to stop myself.

The female puzzles me in many ways. Perhaps it is this modern clime, but she uses terms and phrases that my Dalvahni translator cannot decipher. She seems to have no concept of warriors or the sense of dignity and decorum they should be afforded. She also seems more concerned about the reaction of her matriarchal unit than the danger posed by the djegrali.

She is the most frustrating creature I have ever met. She does not seem to understand that she is in danger.

Having saved her, I will remain and guard her from harm. The demon that marked her will return.

I will be waiting.

Read the rest of this entry »

Recipe for a Dalvahni Demon Hunter
Saturday, October 1st, 2011
  • Start with approximately 225 pounds of prime Dalvahni male, extremely fresh.*
  • Add four to five gallons of uh uh uh.
  • Throw in several quarts of pure, undiluted yummy. **
  • Add a bushel each of unsurpassed fighting skills and tracking ability.
  • Combine with insatiable lust and zest of virility.
  • Stir in a large dollop of stoicism and dispassion.
  • Toss in a generous amount of loyalty and a couple of heaping tablespoons of denial.
  • Omit the sense of humor, but be sure and sprinkle in a pound of literalism.
  • Blend with true love.
  • Fold ingredients lightly together. Stir vigorously for best results. Best served hot.

*Note: Dalvahni males are large in size (in excess of six feet in height), lean and muscular animals. Do not substitute generic or ordinary human males or recipe will not rise.
** Do not substitute imitation flavoring.
*** Warning: Demon hunters are habit forming and slippery when wet.